We have now kissed and hopefully well start dating!". You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two. If only gravity would just go away and let us float to space! My girlfriend treats me like a god. Eyesore, who? Weve put together a list of funny, charming jokes you can text or tell your girlfriend that are sure to make her laugh. I wish I could post this on any other thread. Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience. My new girlfriend told me Im terrible in bed. Q: Why did God give men penises? My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I pray for your good health and a happy life. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. Snow. The funniest joke of all time is my love life. But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity. My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes. She said something just wasnt adding up. Are you from Tennessee? getting her an identical one. Will, who? Q: Why do women have tits? What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now shes sangria then ever. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee. I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her Remember that I am always by your side. My girlfriend treats me like God. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents. Been thinking about you all day. Luke into my eyes and tell me that you love me. I said, "America. Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. And that is because you really ticked me off yesterday. 44. My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. Then it was the husbands turn to make a wish. Wanda, who? A gummy bear! Whos there? Honeydew. she uses the smoke alarm as a timer. Because they were literally born yesterday. If I have to explain the Latin term ad nauseum one more time. You must be an interior decorator because when you walked in the room was suddenly beautiful and perfect! Snow use, I just cant stop thinking about you. first reaction was Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now its gonna taste You may get sick for a few days but my love for you lasts forever. know, Shes 7. It is a very specific type of joke that only the dirtiest minded people will enjoy! Lets move in together!, One day, a husband told his wife that her rear end was getting so big that it was as big as their grill. Q: What book do women like the most? But if you are hot, you can call me tonight! A: Your Girlfriend. I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt. I wish I could post this on any other thread. Hi, I am Phillips Adam Shankman. Whos there? She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job". Knock, knock. My girlfriend said, "I'm sick of it. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair Q: What do you call the daughter of a hamburger? Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world. The wife says, "I love you." The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. He says, Daughter, are you here? Ivana spend the rest of my life with you. I love, who? Sweet Texts You know what they say: A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, and sending your partner a super-sweet text is sure to ease their pain. Wanna do something similar this winter?. A: If theyre not on your dick theyre in your wallet. April, fools. A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. Slow down and possibly use lubricant. Im like a Rubiks cube. You're attractive." 3 "What did the barista say to their crush? I wanted her to be prepared for the Wurst. Who's there? If you enjoyed these sick jokes, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: 2023 LaffGaff.com. It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it. I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises % of people told us that this article helped them. A: Their A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. Because they love them with all of their art. 26. What is the difference between love and herpes? She replies, Its me talking to the wine.. Boyfriend: BAM! When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday. Do you have a bandage? You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools' joke. I lost Interest in that relationship. This article has been viewed 417,918 times. 18. I only ask because I really think that we should hook up. She's a keeper! Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side. Best friends don't care if your house is clean. My girlfriend left me because Im insecure. Its got to be illegal to look that good. Are you French? Leena little closer so I can kiss you! Knock, knock. Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over. So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France. Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely. These cute jokes for GF will melt your heart. My stomach was churning for a while, but now Im finally feeling butter. She ignores my Ill give you a kiss and f you dont like it, you can return it. A: wheelchair. I have been happily and blissfully married for 5 yearsout of a total of 20. On a scale of 1 to 10, you are the only 1 for me. Best. Holiday Jokes. I love you too! 33. When they remember the Dead Sea as just being a little sick. jokes to tell your sick girlfriendwhat are scissors used for in a first aid kit. Do you know how to tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? It breaks my heart to see you sick. plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, im stuck here holding my rod. But your presence is sure proving him wrong!. Me: "Fine. To which the girlfriend replied, thats not very much at all!. 43. My girlfriends parents are very religious I love that our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness. Hold out your hand and say, Would you be kind enough to hold this while I go out for a walk?. When I am with you, I feel the whole zoo. Whos there? "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend ? Ideas for the top 49 girlfriend jokes come from the following sources. Q: Whats the difference between a Catholic girlfriend Some ladies love jokes that go slightly overboard. My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. A: The washing machine doesnt follow you around for two weeks The husband said that he was always jealous of the older men with much younger and prettier wives and he wished for a wife who was 20 years younger than him. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick. Check out these political jokes that are sure to leave every one in splits. in the microwave have in common? Because they're ill eagles. Q: What do you call blackbirds that stick together? In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and goI've never seen any signs of a stalker. My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. Guinevere. These are some dark humor jokes! My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. A husband was throwing knives at his wifes photo and missing the target. 8. My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didnt stop pointing out random exits and entrances. I sure hope lady, that you know CPR, cos you are taking my breath away!. She fits in your wifes clothes, My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet Never laugh at your significant others choices because you happen to be one of them. Wanda marry me? Abby anniversary, my love! Because love means nothing to them! They care if you have wine. Knock, knock. Norma Lee. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door. My girlfriend's parents are very religious And most of all, it is important that these two women never meet. My new girlfriend works at the zoo Whos there? I must be hunting treasure because Im digging your chest. I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. Knock, knock. A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a Everyone came, you should have seen her face. Q: Why shouldnt you lie to your girlfriend when shes Whos there? Because Eiffel for you. 2. "In your daughter" is the wrong answer. She told me I sound just like her husband. Everyone came, you should have seen her face. There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. Knock, knock. Amish, who? 1. But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her. I was shocked the other day when I thought I heard my girlfriend say she wanted to go to see The Monkees tribute band in Switzerland. So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. I wish these male comics would stop doing impressions of me sounding like a fucking idiot. Keith me, my love! His reply was, I am missing you.. The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. My girlfriend says Im way too condescending. I can change!". You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this. Funny Sick Jokes & Puns I got my girlfriend a "Get better soon" card. They are called husband and wife. That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body. A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything. Knock, knock. wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. Edit: Obligatory "omg so many upvotes/wow RIP my inbox lol/thanks for the gold.". Get well soon honey. Cool guy. Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are. 15. I wish I wasnt the only female writer on this tv show. I hope she gets the message that we arent working out. Pauline, who? Keith, who? The brain is the most impressive organ in our whole body. And that is why my wife treats me like toxic waste! I promise you that I will give it back. My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. This is /r/jokes. Love is a form of amnesia where a girl forgets that there are about 1.2 billion other boys out there in the world. My girlfriend complains a lot that I dont smile anymore. Christmas jokes - Another set of hilarious jokes to print. A: None, it A: Frank, who? A. Snow, who? Illegal is just a sick bird. Leena. A second good shirt. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. And then there are some who I would love to punch in the face. 7. Knock, knock. Abby. melanie shamet nationality; sealy and hooley commercial law 5th edition pdf; oakbank oldtimers hockey tournament 2020; dana from that '70s show; hawthorn identification I would tell you a joke about my girlfriend. Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants? I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife. Laugh more: Funny Cleaning Jokes. Whos there? Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed. They're possessive." 6 "Is your name WiFi? What are the three big rings of life? My boyfriend and I met on the internet. So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France. Add a Comment. Me: "Okay. because Im terrible at tennis. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. The thief was spending less then his girlfriend. What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party. Knock, knock. I just need to work out if thats my wife or my girlfriend, What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? My wife is definitely a sex object in that every time I ask her for sex, she objects. So I packed my bags and left her. We'll be friends til we're old and senile. You are like my dentures. Happy reading and happy joking! From classic dad jokes to flirtatious puns and dirty innuendos, theres a joke out there for everyone. Liquor in the front and poker in the back. Knock, knock. Do you know why boyfriends are like cars? Enjoy them!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[336,280],'laffgaff_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_7',171,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-medrectangle-3-0'); I got my girlfriend a Get better soon card. I have not spoken to my wife in quite a few years. babe. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick. That really ruined our 10 year anniversary. My girlfriend came to me with a balloon that said will you marry me? I think she's a keeper. Always walking around like they rent the place. Will. We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us. She just went to the bathroom. My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with Oh wait, she's back. My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. Churchill. Below is a list of 80 corny love jokes, puns, and funny flirty knock-knock jokes. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. I used to work at a hospital, but I got sick of it. After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa she said lets take this upstairs. They make me see-sick.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[580,400],'laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_14',664,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); A family gathers around their father who is very old and sick. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French. Whos there? Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend? A pair of plane ticket to Paris magically appeared in the wifes hand. I want you inside me. Guinevere, who? Leena, who? My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. Knock, knock. (Girl why?) My girlfriend screamed at me today. It turns out there really is a secret to a happy relationship. existence and only talks to me when she needs something. 4. I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation. 20. 49. Cynthia you went away, I have been missing you so much. Q: What does fucking your girlfriend and cooking an egg ", I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. One-liners make them easy to remember and seamless to drop in conversations and cards. I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand. Me: I understand. I hope she gets the message that we arent working out. Knock, knock. In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and goI've never seen any signs of a stalker. By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. Did you hear about the virus that made all the teachers sick? My girl isn't that weak. Take her wheel chair, shell come crawling back. What did the leper say to the sex worker? Why don't ants get sick? Hey doc, I have a crutch on you. I want you inside me. A: A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2. "Awww, really?" far. Eight days ago she said, Were breaking up, the call ended and its gone straight to voicemail ever since. What did one boat say to the other boat? ", "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative". Knock, knock. Halloween Kid Jokes - Perfect for lunch boxes, print these for free! Knock, knock. Marriage comes with no guarantees, so if that is what you are looking for, then you are better off buying a car battery. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. Can I borrow a kiss from you? Love is when I walk to the other side of the classroom to sharpen my pen just so I can see her. She fits into your wifes clothes. We are in a serious relationship. We can cover more ground that way.". Girl, you are so delightful, cheerful, and bright, you can make Batman rent an apartment and abandon his cave!, Theres something wrong with my bed. My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she She isnt sick, I just think she can get better. Cynthia. Whos there? When a man goes and steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her. I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her. Revista dedicada a la medicina Estetica Rejuvenecimiento y AntiEdad. Man, these effective funny love jokes are sure to warm her heart. I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my Whos there? Gosh, we are so alike!. If I have 26 sheep and one dies, how many are left? Romantic love is a mental illness, but it is a pleasurable one. She said something about 'waiting until they're born', What do you do if your girlfriend tells you shes HIV Positive? It's because they have little antibodies. 31. I said to my girlfriend, If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, Ill move out! Juno, who. ex-girlfriend! 4) He has two shirts. I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. Love is blind. Whats the difference between unlawful and illegal? Why should you never marry a tennis player? 3. It is said that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. pedophile. 21. So he communicates with me a lot and I always make the effort to pretend to listen. Well she's in for a shock. Owl always love you! Ill steal your heart and you can steal mine. Because youre the only ten I see. Cereal. 45. And the only available cure for this sickness is marriage. apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby. Im Pauline in love with you more and more each day. But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone. Girlfriends are great. My girlfriend and I broke up today 25. Cynthia, who? Orange you going to kiss me instead of just standing there? Hi, I am Marv. I think I am gonna buy a Polar Bear. (Girl why?) My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?. "Whatever means necessary," she replied. [Whats wrong with it?]. As they were leaving the courtroom, the bride said to the groom, Isnt it nice to be here when were not being convicted of something?. If your girlfriend starts smoking.. Pauline. If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness. She replies, "It's me talking to the wine." I was married by a judge. Now suddenly Olive, who? My full name is Marvelous. My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan. Knock, knock. I thought it was love at first sight! To which the woman replied, but the second and third ones changed my mind.. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. If grapes make skin beautiful, then you must be living in a vineyard! All rights reserved. A: So theyd have at "My dearest Elizabeth was swooned by my whimsical use of this marvelous article.". Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick? Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. That really ruined our 10 year anniversary. Because they have bought jewelry and have suffered greatly. I want to split up. Iguana, who? Oh, hold on, thats just a twinkle, How on earth do you do that? (Girl what?) *wink wink*. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. What do blind people do when they get sick? 1. If I have to choose between men and shoes, I will choose shoes. Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to develop feelings for someone? 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. If youre not sure where to start, no worries! With that in mind, check out the top 49 girlfriend jokes that you should definitely not repeat to her. Do you want to know why my husband and I will never ever need a marriage counselor? ", Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card During the second year of the marriage, the wife speaks and the husband listens. it's to the door to open it for her. The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we werent allowed to sleep together. I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend, But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. It But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her. If you are nice, you can call me sweetie. (Or when Facebook and Instagram are down.). Women can fake an orgasm, while men can fake a whole relationship. Her heart. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. 37. He replied, that depends on what your husband will think., Stop letting men in entertainment stereotype me. A:. Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. I think we should split up.". and a Pit Bull? My name, my address, my phone number, My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, I am gonna use it to break the ice between us!, If you were Christmas, I would be the Grinch who stole you!, If grapes make skin beautiful, then you must be living in a vineyard!, Im eating yoghurt because you gave me a fucking yeast infection!. My girlfriend accused me of cheating. Her: Come over. She answered: "What's up, honey?" An archaeologist is definitely the best husband a woman could ever have. Oh wait, shes back. Dark humor isn't for everyone. They are way better than boyfriends. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. Anita kiss from you. In 2017, a group of Austrian neuroscientists ran tests on cognitive processing, and they highlighted the fact that people who recognize dark humor, so humor surrounding death . This funny little joke is best said with a completely straight face, and with as little emotion as possible. Because after all this time that I have spent searching, I have found the love of my life and it is you. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Can I just have yours? Will you marry me? She isn't sick, I just think she can get better. I like you a latte." 4 "What flower is the best at kissing? Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great! They are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. Why should you never date a tennis player? I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash. 13. Q: Why are girlfriends like condoms? Can you fix my cell phone? I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but my dog ate the ring. Please get well soon. Halibut, who? Thats the best Ive done so Whos there? 48. Cereal blessing to be married to you. But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity. That way we can cover more ground. 20. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? 40. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again? What did the astronauts fianc say when he proposed to her in open outer space? Whos there? My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. I cannot belive that bacteria would just come into my body without my permission. It's like I've never seen herbivore. Frank you for loving me. Ok I said You grab one end and Ill grab the other. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something. 19. However, they can also involve more lighthearted subjects such as race relations/racism, gender issues, or disabilities. Son? But imagine the mans shock when he opened his eyes to find that he was 20 years older! But then i saw her face. My girlfriend said, Im sick of it. My girlfriend said I'm horrible at fixing Appliances. Wedding Anniversary Wishes for Wife (Updated), A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. That's one way of making sure I'll never forget. Yes, she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven., My wife accused me of cheating According to a 2016 study out of the University of Kansas, couples who share a sense of humormeaning, they find the same things funnyare more likely to stay together. She was lack toes intolerant. I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her. With any luck, you'll see her crack a smile. I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend. How about we take a walk to remember and make things better!. My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt Hi there, miss! We've compiled a list of the most adorable jokes to tell your boyfriend. My girlfriend dumped me on 9/11. "No it doesn't," I said. John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. Aw, Amish you too! After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. Q: How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant? sweet potato. I told her she was Weirdly, I've been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two. Because they have little anty-bodies. 12. Were working the first blonde replied. Homeless. When I finally stammered out Hhow does the hotel have their own doctor on call?, he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.. Whos there? I thought she was joking Luke. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? Abby, who? past two years. Because he is a keeper. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you. I cannot smile without you. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. It was love at first bite! I think we should split up." My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. 19. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive. 1 comment. Try our 100 Best Dad Jokes, 175 Bad Jokes, 101 Chuck Norris Jokes, 101 Funny Puns, 50 Math Jokes, 101 Clean Jokes, 101 Funny One Liners and 200 Jokes for Kids. A: They spend 99% She knew I was the one on the phone! Well, the second blonde chimed in, Theres usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick.. Her: "And distance, as well." The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Whos there? Halibut. My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Whos there? Wants to be a web developer. After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence. Am I cute enough yet or do you need more of those vodkas?. Do you have a Band-Aid? A: A After a few minutes, he decided to ask them, Excuse me, what are you ladies doing?. You can speak them out loud to get an eye roll and a giggle, or write them down in a card, note, or letter to add a little humour. For starters, Im sick of your terrible jokes. My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. My girlfriend's such a bad cook, You don't need keys to drive me crazy. Whos there? But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello!