Unstable relationships, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, unstable identity, substance abuse its all there., Fatal Attraction has long been viewed as the absolute worst depiction of borderline personality disorder. Those proclamations of love. Intro Borderline Personality Disorder Woman-Shawna Soft White Underbelly 4.41M subscribers Subscribe 22K 1.1M views 6 months ago Soft White Underbelly interview and portrait of Shawna, a. Rose Skeeters, a licensed therapist, nutrition and mindset coach, will share her story and strategies to overcome her own battle with BPD and Bulimia. BPD is a complex and serious mental illness. Also, do not look to the neighbors grass to see whether it is more greener than yours, instead, look at your own evolution over say 5 years time: are you more wiser? Women are more likely than men to have BPD. Generally no. I know that if I was to ever cheat, he would be gone. ah so long as he remains a compliant nice guy and gives without receiving other than sexual gratification the relationship will last in any case he is far more compatible than I due to lifestyle and $$$$ and perhaps thats why I was abused she wanted out but didnt have courage so abused me thinking I would breakup first and the cheating was simply to secure a new partner as she can not be alone I doubt it mattered who he was so long as he was available and compliant.I understand now thats not what I want from a partner if it were just sex it be easier and cheaper to use a prostitute..Im still that same nice guy but I set boundaries the only reason I persisted is cause Im a fixer type and honestly believed her abuse was due to the childs hatred for me thinking that if we could just stay together long enough for kid to mature she would revert back to who she was in the beginning..also its fear Im 50 and the dating pool is messy at this age a lot of damaged souls especially women..most dont want Rs and are happy single which is sad really..my mom recently asked a friend of ours if she knew any single women she said she knew tons but none want or need a man due to past damage..myself Ive been damaged twice and still hold out hope there is a stable mature woman for me.. 16 months on and my depression is lifting,Im back in the gym and looking pretty dam good physically for an old bugger but I do still ruminate as to wether my nice guy personality triggered her abuse or perhaps I just wasnt what she wanted all along..Ive been reading you blogs and articles and I hope next time I can spot a cluster b and run I agreed to get back together in hopes she changed. I thought my wife would change because at 30 years old I was her first boyfriend. Again, from an evolutionary perspective we would expect this as men are not traditionally the primary caregiver and so the consequences are less severe in forming problematic relationships, Blanchard said. Women with traits of BPD when they are in their idealization phase will actually be seeing all the good things about you. My ex has a big heart, and I know she struggles with this. right on. Because Ive been really just thinking at times is it just me and finding it hard to really believe my own thoughts because she was denying everything. Mainly everything she has a answer for and likes conflict. Borderline Personality Disorder is a chronic and complex mental health disorder marked by instability, and interpersonal relationships are often the stage on which this instability plays out. They have extraordinary abilities to figure out what to say to speed things along, even if it means saying they want things to go slowly. We are not bad people. But there is nothing like hearing Roses personal journey and the experiences of some of her clients to help make more sense of the situation and hopefully be able to be of more support and just a better friend. Thank you for your article. For more information about exactly why she acted this way, please take a look at my other blog posts that talk about the nice-guy/BPD combination. We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didnt do it deliberately)..my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out They may not believe anyone is capable of selfless giving. They KNOW the person who cares about them but has good self-esteem is GONE if they are totally straight with you. Saturday Night Livestar Pete Davidson has helped to spread awareness, since he's. Dee, you are in a difficult position. A man must have a job. So its crucial that you stand your ground as best you can to protect your financial resources. It is like she forgets she agreed this is not a wise move, but then it always comes back. He naively assumes that all he needs to do is prove to her that he is trustworthy. Do you know how difficult it is to find treatment? My personal situation also hasnt been easy for her as i live with my ex -partner (pending full separation) so the triggers were plentiful on that issue alone! Sometimes you will find that if they are feeling bad but cant at the moment find a single logical thing to argue about they will come up with something so random it will leave you thinking wtf??? We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. Where there should be hope, the article ends with dont fall for this con again. That is challenging. Please know that many people reading your comment are supporting you. 3. I used to respond by being harsh to myself. My health has been the worst its ever been and I just try to do more and more in hopes that she would see my effort and love. She also has been diagnosed with Hashimoto thyroid disorder which on top of all of this leads to memory loss, depression, weight gain, mood swings etc. Joanna Nicola is a consultant, developer of the Nicola Method for high conflict and author of The Nicola Method Workbook. Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! I disagree with the nice guy theory. Even though it might only last in the short-term, it might also be sufficient for the initial crucial period of childrearing. Women with traits of BPD may appear to be capable of overriding their natural selfishness when they are in the throws of new love. Im just now emotionally healed enough to not have any hate or disdain for her as with the help of your articles and others I have come the realization that no matter how much she can or cannot control her behaviors, I have full control over how I choose to react to them. That said, one morning, after she had been outside in the yard drinking, after a confrontation with him, and he and I were both sleeping. Why should I make an effort to trust a gender that is mostly untrustworthy? Now she is in a horrible depressive state, and I am getting her into a 2-month hospital treatment program. Im a little confused, however. BPD is one of two personality disorders (the other is dependent) that fully appreciates and understands the need for others to be in their life. She has a 12 year old son. This website uses cookies. The best thing for him to do is to find a therapist who is familiar with BPD who will help guide him through this minefield. You dont know what to expect. Stats show that 75-90% of all persons diagnosed with BPD are women. Having a disorder such as borderline personality disorder does not mean we deserve harsh criticism and hate, especially when many of us have had to suffer traumatic childhoods. I think Ive learned some hard lessons and have changed, but the article (the way I read it) suggests otherwise. Sometimes theyll even simply evade answering the straight question (as if you still hang around without pushing the issue they know they still have your interest ! If your spouse suffers from significant symptoms of this disorder, you are most likely affected on a daily basis. This personality type truly enjoys giving and often find they need nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated. It ends in a way that leaves borderliners believing they truly are cons, and that no one will ever keep a relationship. But recently I have been obsessively thinking about my bpd ex and missing the craziness of her. I then simply called her out on all the things I hadnt managed to say face to face and left it at that. The nice guy you talk about my lovely wonderful ex was the one with BPD not me and he put me through a lot of trauma and was manipulative enough to gaslight me into looking like I was the one with HIS problem. The story goesduring Christmas dinner at my familys house she slipped and fell on her way to the bathroom on some water that my dog has spit up after drinking it out of the toilet. Although we usually assume high emotionality would be an asset in a relationship because it motivates loving behavior, too much emotionality actually turns out to be a liability. Sometimes it can also be the man (labeled the nice-guy) who isnt always the only mentally abusive one for one and for 2 the bpd woman is not a just crappy partner in a relationship that the man should just dump like a peice of trash!! good luck to anyone who is giving it a go , hopefully your situation is better than what mine was . Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? yes am nice guy too and put up with all the crap like a fool ,I said sorry when I was not even in the wrong to keep peace and generally kiss ass , well I finally snapped and stormed round there and told her everything she is and what she does and said this is not working and lets call it a day and then thats when the tables turned lol, now she is kissing arse and doing what I was doing and she had the cheek to say But the version Im referring to was my first Waif. To this day my group and I still meet now in 2023 because of the impact Rose had on us. I am at the point where I feel nothing about me matters except being a father. Its like this day in, day out. I have a girlfriend who recently got married for the 1st time at the age of 40 yrs. She has shown moments of improvement, but she will still switch to demonizing me at the drop of a hat. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I answer a listener's series of questions from an email sent to me. I get treatment for anxiety, I have a little social phobia, not that I dont like other people, I just dont care for large crowds of strangers, this makes me somewhat of a homebody. Honestly, as someone who was diagnosed with BPD, I identified with a few of the other characteristics of the other actors way more than Susanna. She swears im a bad guy/dad/husband, and i swear im good to her and the kids. She is so driven by her emotions. as she claimed i wanted to see girls , but what i wanted to night life off the city like going to few places and have a drink, and just walk around the town. As she was calming down she uttered I am such a basket case, I dont know how you put up with me to which I replied Because youre worth it. She prob did like the gifts but struggles to show appreciation. Fred, thats a great question. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. In the disorder the woman is gentle and laughing with you. It is because they act out with friends in the same way they do with lovers and sabotage those relationships. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion. I believe I have BPD and am in the early stages of awareness and has sparked my obsession with researching about it. Demonizing this disorder doesnt help to educate anyone and it certainly doesnt encourage understanding or healing. I know this now to be switching. I remember asking her on a date who are you? and what do you like?her answer to both were I dont know. For example, if you live in a hostile environment, creating intense relationships might be advantageous if you are a mother (as the primary caregiver) wanting to ensure that her partner commits to her and her child.. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Conversations with Jay & Rose: Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor (Prov 29:23), Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. She called me names, bastard,rat, emotional abuser, narcissist etc. Women like her thrive off drama and stimulation. Dont you want. BPD is not a life sentence, and how much therapy someone needs is case dependent. Does she really feel, in the moment, the things she is saying, or is it a carefully planned manipulative scheme? Hes been a great man. I woke up to her seizing in bed. THAT is what breaks my heartthat she may never allow herself to be happy. Once they leave home, so can I. This is really a time when a professional needs to be brought in to help you make the decisions you need to move yourself out of this situation. So using common sense to try to understand the behaviors may actually slow down the process of recovering. You should be ashamed! I havent been supportive as hes trying to go to school. The reason they can so easily block out reality is that they are using their emotional processing center to process most of their experiences. JT, two things can happen. Partly, I am terrified of losing redidential custody, even though she has told my daughter she doesnt love her or want her. I would be the most thoughtful person and give her and her children special gifts etc and I barely even got a thanks for it. Sincerely, She is unapproachable really. I have not tried to have a relationship in a long time and I prefer to be an escort (and yes I am bpd with a very harsh childhood/early adulthood history). Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! When we observe abusive relationships between nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD, we find that these men have an extraordinarily hard time leaving their girlfriends even when they know they should. I believe strongly that my ex now has BPD. It sounds like you have been making very healthy choices and your self-awareness levels seems solid enough that you should be able to move through this adjustment period without too much difficulty. Furthermore, by providing an evolutionary psychological explanation for it we can remove negative evaluations of emotionally unstable people in understanding that their personality style is as fitness-affording as any other. is there any evidence that people who come to acknowledge they have traits of BPD have a better outcome than those who dont? The last few years have been hell, but, with my BPD, I have used it to heal myself and figure out how to sustain our relationship because I dont want him to leave. Because of her lack of effort to make contact with them they have now decided to remove him from the home permanently. She does not take responsibility for the consequences of her emotions. Thanks Joanna Im struggling with the idea it may have been me cause my replacement is a nice guy type and their still together after 16 months..she jumped from me to the cheater to him in 4 weeks granted he is wealthier than me and it could be just the $$ since she wanted a free ride from me. But with BPD this severe you need support and guidance for yourself. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. Very rebellious like does stuff out of spite. Brett did not hear this message. My heart tells me she didnt want this to happen but my head tells me she wouldnt have done this if she didnt want to. Its exhausting and its also why you are so devastated you lose a lot of who you are sacrificing for this other person. Having frequent suicidal thoughts or engaging in self-harm. My experience is that labels can become scapegoats to excuse bad behavior, and Rose helps to breakdown that mindset. Noones perfect, not even you! Part 1 discussed how the difficulties typically affect males with symptoms of BPD. She has said some terrible things. Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. You see, I understand the way I think and the fears I have. If you have BPD, if you are trying to help or understand someone with bpd I highly recommend giving these episodes a listen. She just demanded to go home, crying the entire time. Thats a great question. But it also saddens me a bit and scares me as well. I tried my best to calm her down and even offered to get her a change of cloths. Thankfully, I am not suffering as much as before. Why dont we talk about Dialectical Behavior Therapy which has been evidenced to be extremely successful in reducing BPD symptoms for sufferers? But the person with traits of BPD masquerades as a nice guy (girl) type, and they are often the nice guy types first close relationship with an insecure and abusive person, which the world is sadly full of. It has been 4 months for me, as well. Your insight will definitely will help those read it. I accepted her apology and believed her. The Nicola Method Workbook for Partners of High Conflict Women has been written to allow partners of women with traits of BPD to reverse these negative behaviors. The average man is somewhere between these two extremes of total trust of ones fellow man and complete distrust. I have one question for you though that I just cant seem to find an answer for online. My healing is actually going quite well. He was emotionally abusive, unfaithful too many times to count, and addicted to pornography and sex with other women. | We may know intellectually that all of us have different personalities, not to mention different life experiences and cultural backgrounds. Will continue to reference your articles while healing from my past. From Borderline to Beautiful Podcast tackles tough topics and provides information and insight into borderline personality disorder. Another things that has been said is why does everyone I love leave me?? However, the upside of this instability is that these individuals might be exciting to be with in terms of sensation seeking and being impulsive. Sometimes she would be highly flirtatious and reach out for attention 5-6 times a day for a week, then the next morning, completely silent. We are human beings. Anyway my questions are- Despite all of this I still care for her very much, but she will officially have no one left. (As I read this, I fear I may be idealizing him!!!). Seriously, it helped me immensely to get over a three year relationship with a BPD woman. Thank you for your website post. James, what you described is classic behavior, not for someone who has the disorder of BPD, but for a person who has the traits associated with the disorder. Although your closeness to her is triggering her fears and sensitivities, your ability to trigger her also means that you are capable of helping her get over the fears that are causing her to lash out. When he meets a woman who seems too good to be true, a red flag goes up. But its not outright manipulation. You are definitely right when you say their decisions are based off their emotions that they just cant seem to get past. DBT training is available to anyone and theoretically if you could get a disordered partner to accompany you to the classes, they could learn the skills necessary to overcome the disorder under the guise of you both learning mindfulness, which is a fairly popular self-development trend these days. Maybe that is why she stayed in this previous relationship. She would leave her coat at home because it was warm and then would say why did you tell me to leave it. In the process both people grow and move forward and that is a big achievement given the constraints that are overcome. Experiencing periods of emotional intensity, or frequent/rapid mood swings. He was confused by this because he had no intention whatsoever of hurting her. Then she would begin acting irrationally and I stormed out of her house one evening, which is when she confessed to having anxiety. I didnt mind. I have personally been mentally abused. hi Ive read a lot lately about women with BPD. They usually do not despise everyone around them. The spousal relationship is perhaps the most intimate of all. She blames me all the time for everything. With this understanding of what makes the woman with traits of BPD engage in these destructive behavior patterns, lets now turn to the question of why so many men stay even when its clear that the woman they are with is not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. Doesnt really express anger in the verbal form but moreso in actions. It was very insightful. Women on the spectrum of BPD are neither victims that we should pity nor are they evil monsters. Mighty community member Kayla Z. said she related to amixture of the female characters in Silver Linings Playbook and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. I have experience with the general BPD personality type and certainly no longer go there! The more I read, the closer I feel to moving past this. This statement would have been a subconscious tactic to get you to trust her. e.g. You have done a very good job in identifying this disorder at such a young age so you can get the help you need to heal from it. Most women who are diagnosed with BPD want to change in order to be able to live their everyday life without debilitating pain. Women on the Spectrum of BPD: Techniques That Stop Devaluation. Why not keep it on a freinds with benefits basis so no one gets hurt or feels conned? My mother tried to calm her down. These techniques work on anyone who is in a highly emotional state or who uses common defense mechanisms, and they are non-confrontational so you can practice on friends and relatives. I guess when we got back together the emotions she was experiencing thwarted any flashbacks she might have had. For claritys sake, its worth mentioning that there is no specific medication that treats BPD directly. After our first break up, I was devastated. Some people dispute the diagnosis, but up to . Do you find many nice guys who turn into Enablers of their High Conflict partners? I feel betrayed if the person who wrote this was a woman herself because this article makes it out to seem like the bpd woman is a hopeless terrible partner and person! Joanna Nicola does an generally brilliant job at explaining the intricacies of BPD. The counseling is not an option, I will still be reading here. Im glad to hear you are doing better with it these days. Whether they develop into full blown BPD by the time that individual is an adult depends on many factors. I find all this very bizarre at someone who really wanted me. I am amazingly beautiful, so much that I am up there in attractiveness as many celebrities. After years of marriage, five years ago my wife started quickly to show intense BPD characteristics. Instead of saying to yourself wow, these guys are going through hell, you get defensive and try to justify how hard it is for YOU. Her thoughts are so unusual I feel I have more understanding than most therapists on the disorder. One thing everyone should know is that if someone cares about you and really wants to spend time with you, they will make time. To this day I still work with Rose and find that her insight, encouragement, and kindness continues to be a breath of fresh air. After our first break up, she bought a house with a guy after only 6 months into the relationship. She makes her decisions off those incredibly sensitive emotions that she is feeling at that time. I observe, like all pathologicals, *they are primarily guided by EXTREME self-interest* but this is dressed -up in their own particular way. In order to understand why so many nice-guy types stay in abusive relationships with women with traits of BPD we must first understand a second universal human frailty. If your wife was vomiting all night from cancer chemo, yelling at you because of the terminal illness, would you feel the same and want to leave her? Its a really brutal recovery, certainly made easier with therapy. Ps I asked her one question when we last time spoke on the phone ffour days ago. Whenever I was with someone who I thought liked me, or might like me, I began to get anxious when I thought about them leaving. On a more positive note, education in the BPD behavior patterns is growing, and there are more opportunities for these individuals to come across a helpful article on BPD which may take the aspect of trust for the messenger out of the equation. I find this because they will sometimes threaten a breakup to get a response from you even though they have no intention of actually wanting that and use it as leverage to make them feel more secure that you wont leave them. An hour later, according to her shift in mood, is raging and attacking you So why? Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. After 2 years of recovering from a harmful ex, of being frustrated at online articles that refer to me as a codependent which I am not, of not being a whole person of which I am, this finally makes sense along with introducing a spectrum of behaviours. Without available resources and education on what causes this behavior and why it is so common among women it becomes very difficult for men to get the sense of clarity and separation they need to disengage and move on from these kinds of relationships. I have been searching the web for months trying to understand and cope with the confusing crazy-making irrational behaviors of our 32 year old daughter. My wife did not ask to have this, and it has impacted much of her life negatively, not just in our marriage. The need to fill the emotional void tends to cause obsessive and sometimes addictive urges in women with traits of BPD. This ability holds a special attraction for women with traits of BPD. The hardest part is accepting that the good times were likely predicated on her narcissistic tendency for prevarication and the bad times were a result of her need to back peddle and distance herself from the very arrangement she insisted on unconditional love and acceptance. I offer a free workbook on my website for people in your position that can sometimes reverse these problems. I hope you will read up on this tendency and protect yourself as best you can. They rarely engage in these lapses. Answer (1 of 3): Many of us envy beautiful and charming women because we imagine that they get a free pass from most of life's troubles. Those highs and lows can lead to a mild form of psychological addiction even in those who did not have addictive natures before their relationship. A truly great, incisive post by JT (mirrors SO much of my ex- BPD waif its scary). The harder I tried the further away she went. I will never really figure her out. They often dont realize that controlling negative impulses is how the average person puts their morals into practice, so they may mistakenly believe that they are bad people. This film is heavy, so if you have triggers surrounding self-harm, substance abuse or childhood trauma, it might be a good one to skip, even though it does a good job depicting some classic untreated BPD symptoms and behaviors. I know therapy is very expensive, but even if you can only afford a few sessions, it is essential you get professional guidance on how to navigate through this very difficult time. I joined The Mighty because I believe storytelling is a powerful tool in raising awareness about mental health and trauma. Is there anything I can do to give you the space you need to study? I wish you the very best in your recovery. It might be more accurate to describe it as using selective amnesia for the parts of their history that dont serve their new narrative. It is amazing to sit back, read your response, and have it resonate so much with my situation. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Now she wants to move again, because she is lonely, yet she is the one that picked the house! Likewise, if you are in a marriage or have a child with a woman with traits, even if her problems are severe enough to be diagnosed, using the technique to stop the behaviors is also a viable option. As I went through adolescence, these feelings got worse.