Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. Weeks? I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? 16. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Love is grand, until it isnt. Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! . Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Thanks! Two doctors happened along and noticed him. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales clerk explained. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. The apprentice did just as he was told. A football coach. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Theres a nasty bug going around.Submitted by D.G. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? You have 30 more years to live.. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. Then she called, Here, kittySubmitted by Khalid Khan. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. I've only got myshelf to . "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. Finally, after wed seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. Hes only got little legs. Its not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. She seemed surprised. Then, it hit me. Now what do you want? the woman asks. But it was me first day with the hook.. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. Submitted by C.A. Will I die? she asks. 10. The businessman asks for a Coke. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 1. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. 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[Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale. @johnlyontweets, I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Because he broke all the records. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst He was a tackling dummy. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around. Please joke responsibly. Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. Local man killed by falling piano. A receding hare-line. She looks great! One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. Hes now a seasoned veteran. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? ' @woodyluvscoffee. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brothers surprise party. Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb? Says the chicken, Sorry, but thats the subject of another joke.Submitted by Gary Johnston. Keep your voice steady, avoid sounding too pleased with yourself, and deliver the line with a straight face. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. No, he responded. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) He told me to stop going there. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. Thats just how I roll. Its easy, replies the ranger. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Between you and me, something smells. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? No joke. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} Jokes. moments. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. What did the baby corn say to its mom? Whats a Queen without her King? Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? "Women are like iPhones. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. At your age, I wouldnt touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha! A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? God says, No. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. Mr. Well, he really gets a kick out of it. A labracadabrador. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. To get to the other side. There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. ._3bX7W3J0lU78fp7cayvNxx{max-width:208px;text-align:center} ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Student: A drinking problem. Sorry, Im not Adele. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. Im doing great! For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. You wont believe these funny classified ads actually ran! You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. 78. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners How to be witty and win anyone over]. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. This is my first day driving a cab. Brand: Top Craft Case. Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Today I saw something that reminded me of you. .c_dVyWK3BXRxSN3ULLJ_t{border-radius:4px 4px 0 0;height:34px;left:0;position:absolute;right:0;top:0}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;margin-top:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._33jgwegeMTJ-FJaaHMeOjV{border-radius:9001px;height:32px;width:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._1wQQNkVR4qNpQCzA19X4B6{height:16px;margin-left:8px;width:200px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:12px 0}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._29TSdL_ZMpyzfQ_bfdcBSc{-ms-flex:1;flex:1}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx .JEV9fXVlt_7DgH-zLepBH{height:18px;width:50px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._3YCOmnWpGeRBW_Psd5WMPR{height:12px;margin-top:4px;width:60px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN{height:18px;margin-bottom:4px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2E9u5XvlGwlpnzki78vasG{width:230px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN.fDElwzn43eJToKzSCkejE{width:100%}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2kNB7LAYYqYdyS85f8pqfi{width:250px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._1XmngqAPKZO_1lDBwcQrR7{width:120px}._3XbVvl-zJDbcDeEdSgxV4_{border-radius:4px;height:32px;margin-top:16px;width:100%}._2hgXdc8jVQaXYAXvnqEyED{animation:_3XkHjK4wMgxtjzC1TvoXrb 1.5s ease infinite;background:linear-gradient(90deg,var(--newCommunityTheme-field),var(--newCommunityTheme-inactive),var(--newCommunityTheme-field));background-size:200%}._1KWSZXqSM_BLhBzkPyJFGR{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetBackgroundColor);border-radius:4px;padding:12px;position:relative;width:auto} Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 49 ($1.68 $1.68 / Fl Oz) Savings Get any 3 for $39.99 Shop items. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Finally, he hollers, Hey! Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? Well, theyre not laughing now. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Well, historically speaking, more powerful., 19. We recommend our users to update the browser. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Im actually not funny. Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? You cant make somebody love you. From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. We have the best football jokes kids would love. My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. Me: 2011. Im in your driveway., 47. Five, six, maybe seven times. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. 72. And what, may I ask, are you? The cat replies, Um, Im a gnome.Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? If anything, it made him more sluggish. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. . Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned., Mrs. Smith wails, Oh, the poor man! Good Comebacks 1. I never knew my real ladder. The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. A gnome, comes the reply. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. I couldn't believe the . You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. Marie Faustin, comedian. One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. You have to touch them all over before they respond. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. Sir! I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. Never again. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . Today isnt your day. So I had to put my foot down. My sister would be so proud of you! she declared. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! The bartender shakes his head. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. 2023 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing, 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback, 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications, Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny, 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to, All the quotes you need while going through a breakup, Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles, 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life, How to be funny and make people love your company, 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment, 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted, 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback, Ready to charm? In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Whether youre looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. No, she said. ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m.