Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. I'm going to say this to my parents. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. Also I have learned to give hard noes. ), its pure formula. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. If you dont want to go, just say so. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. This will not go away. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. Yeah, my parents did that too. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Its just one of the normal options. 2. How am I right now? Those on the other side never see it that way. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. Of course both people will vary from the scripts with personal style and the situation, but that is the general way it can go. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. I really like this point! Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. Does that mean that these women would get constant requests for free tech support? Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) E- Enjoying. Hah. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Thats a little heavy-handed to apply to someone from one letter. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Add me as another one for Why? or Why do you ask? Because Ive discovered the people who ask what Im doing are usually people who want to ask me to do something they know I wont want to do (usually. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. 2. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. I was usually planning board game evenings and role playing games and I only tried to ask people whom I knew to be interested in what I was planning. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. I tell her every chance I get that Im grateful for all the emotional labor she does with categorizing her friend groups. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. For an acquaintance, depends. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Him: Nothing at all? Why? For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. A: Thanks, you too. When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. (You could also just say no and keep going, but that can cause conflict with them, which you might or might not want.) A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. Here are some of the most humorous replies to "How are you?" Table of contents: I'm Better on the inside than I Look on the outside Can't Complain. Ive got some stuff to do around the house, etc. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time. and get back to work.) The professor went to the restroom. I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. K- keep a distance from work. One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). Nothing? Try to be kind and positive in your response. He taught me that its always polite to leave someone a face-saving way out of a social situation, so if you want to ask someone to go do something, give them a certain date/time, so if they dont want to go they can say sorry I have other plans without anyone feeling awkward. Yep yep yep. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. See also, sometimes when someone is rude or difficult, I will pretend they said something nice or appropriate and respond with a total non-sequitur. Most of what I get out of asking that conversation is sharing of day to day stuff about what we both have happening and are maybe looking forward to [that I can be happy or excited about for them] or things coming up they are anxious about or having other difficult feelings about [that they can talk about if they want to, or that I then know they might be having a difficult time on Tuesday so I should give them a ring then and see how it went/offer support if they want to process through talking]. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. Find an answer. Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. Opposite of what I want . Giving my turtle a haircut. But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. This is how I feel too. Tell me about you. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. What you are currently doing. Which is honest at least. This is my first time commenting because so much of this rang true. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. You're very welcome. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. not? Not least of which, I never felt obligated to pick up on any of his hints ever again. They were being blunt and probably didnt realize the pressure I felt to say yes to direct requests, and didnt understand why I felt hurt when, upon working up the courage to ask for something directly, it was turned down. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. That it can be based on something as intangible as a mood. This says "I'm doing well.". If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. Also, that is very common; very few people I know can really remember everything they are doing for months ahead. Best of luck to you, dear LW! No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. You have attached a new question to an old thread. This is probably part of why I am frustrated by this conversation, because by most conventional social norms, you are actually doing nothing wrong. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Can't complain. Shampooing the grass. If you want! Things have a funny way of working out. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. And if its clearly just conversation, (and you want to participate further) offer up something else, Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. W- Work free. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. What are you doing this weekend? So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Something like this happens every single time. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. N- New adventure. I just had a talk with my DD about this- she will text me do we have plans Saturday I usually respond with Why? Obviously we have a different relationship than a friend to friend thing. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? Giving my notebook a bath. Maybe you can Google it. Why not be honest? (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. I am eating. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Thanks! What are you doing? They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. "Yes, the weekend always . As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. If you have a new question, start a new topic. Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. Ive had trouble with that one, too. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. She looks so comfortable. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. (And if you are Susie, forget about it!). hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. Me: Working. My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. Life is good and I'm happy. The first time I heard this, I wondered who opened my brain while I was sleeping and pulled the song out and put it in a movie soundtrack. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. What a mess. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. person: cool yep Them: We should have lunch soon. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Thank you. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. (Seriously? Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? For me, it makes saying no so much harder. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. Give small truths. Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. The bigger words you use, the better. Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. 1. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. Making conversions . I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. The only exceptions are: 1. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Ah. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. Im a hardcore introvert, most of my plans are sitting at home, not doing anything in particular and if I answer the question truthfully, and then there comes the invitation, Im in a very tight spot because I already admitted that I dont have anything serious enough to warrant me declining the offer. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Speak to US respectfully. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. Flip the question back to them. . If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. Thats my favorite response! If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. Am I supposed to answer? Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. My current boss is a total jerk. The week after is all good. Ah. The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? The hubs and I do the same. Boy, do I need it. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. A little of this, a little of that. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). How odd to be on both sides of this! Follow. Yes, exactly. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! One girl mentioned the How are you? and said shed learned not to answer it truthfully because people dont actually care. All of us Americans responded that, well no, its not that we dont actually care. Thats just the question it looks like. Me: yes! or no, sorry. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?).
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