why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? Now I feel those shackles back on me. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. Why cant I? Everyone else seems just fine but me.. One is an article on how to find mental health help, and the other is a list of hotline numbers. How to Stop the Misery: Notice what you really enjoy. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. Making small changes, step by step, fuels confidence in ourselves, which in turn begins to affect our emotions and thoughts. Hi Todd. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. And you don't have to try a bunch of stuff at once if it makes you uncomfortable! How to Stop the Misery: See a therapist, join a 12-step group, or call a friend. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. In highly over-simplified soundbites, the Four Noble Truths can be summarized as follows: How might you possibly be harming yourself? She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. It Provides Me with Support. You will discover a renewed appreciation toward your partner because they are willing and strong enough to meet you and your pain without reacting or crumbling. We are supposed to be her entertainment committee as well as her sounding board for the chronic, non-stop complaints she vents 24/7. But we forget interdependence or weve never heard of it to begin with. It'd be impossible to take responsibility for someone else's happiness. You do . I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. trustworthy health. So don't rob your partner of a chance to grow! For example, no one can make you mad. You can control your inner response to events much of the time. I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Their pain is their pain, and your pain is your pain. It is true that we do need to be responsible for the portion of our happiness within our control but we also need to realize that we all affect each other's happiness and we are responsible for that. We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. With time, such a process will slowly rewire your brain and help you internalize that you cannot prevent your partner from feeling pain. Social pressure can warp your mind and your actions. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. Slowly the relationship becomes a dangerous place where you don't want to share your pain in order not to hurt your partner (because your pain = their problem). featured You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. Just remember that many different factors came into play for that moment to arise, even the fact that your parents acted on their affinity for one another and gave you your life. I help deep thinking, heart-centered spirits find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I feel stuck, depressed and looking for a break. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. I have always been a people pleaser. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. (2016, May 5). Be kind to yourself. Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. That is unavoidable and natural. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Its the same for everyone else too. Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. Almost there! Pay attention to what youre thinking. Shifting your thoughts and actions reduces anxiety. Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. Self-awareness is essential for change. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. Behind their backs it's another story entirely. Or books on this topic specifically? A practice of gratitude is one of the easiest and most rewarding good habits you can develop. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? When you change your thoughts and feelings about another person, you change your energy toward them. Family, friends, people from the village, everyone is here. here. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. The changes youre making to overcome toxic guilt can make you feel self-critical, e.g. They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. And all the rest of the BS 24/7. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. I'm not sure though. Retrieved Is it? But just remember that you cant coax, guilt or force anyone to take action. Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. Is it possible to break this cycle later in life? You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it's a team effort. Responsibility pie chart. I learned this a long time ago. Begin to question it. To his surprise, his wife wasnt insulted but rather released a deep, spontaneous laugh. Plus, youll receive access to the Always Well Within Library of free Self-Discovery Resources. Thank you@. The decisions you make today may be very different than the ones you made a decade ago due to the influence of your life experiences since then. As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. You may be causing some of your suffering. This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast 43 12 12 comments Best lovelydelusion 4 yr. ago I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. But theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems and make them happy. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. Nor do you have any control over his job frustrations. What beliefs feed that worry? We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. Agree that there should be a whole body of literature on this, I was surprised when I struggled to find any! You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop. Find your own path. In such symbiotic relationships, if one is hurting, the other must sympathize with that pain as proof for their love; if one is happy, the other should also be happy. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide. Once youve noticed your anxious thoughts, question them. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. I just need a few things to get you going. I'm just sitting here!!" He offers online individual, couple, and family therapy. You just might eliminate this cause of anxiety and create inner peace. I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. Any suggestions? Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. If needed, you can always come back to this topic later. As an adult, I feel responsible for my wife's happiness. How many people participated in bringing it to you? I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. I just can't do it anymore. That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. We need more space than other people. Isthisrealyreal, she seems most content when I'm doing nothing but working and taking care of their business. Curious? Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Fast forward to 2011. Are they realistic? Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. Parents establish those feelings of safety by practicing deep listening and unconditional love. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. Hi Vicki, PostedAugust 22, 2019 Anything that happens occurs as a result of many interlocking causes and conditions, over which you only have partial control. After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. sidebar The child thinks, "If I can make my parents happy, I'll be happy as well and all will be peachy." spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Notice what seems to be good for your personal growth. :), My anxiety triggered from a bully in authority I don't remember a lot of what he said but I remember saying over and over again to stop mind-messing me and you don't know who I am hours of this went on I have never been the same so much of the past which was locked tightly away the flood gates were open and I don't know how to close the gates I try for help but I'm so mixed up no one seems to know how to help me I am giving up and letting myself fall through the cracks of the system I'm too tired the battle within my brain wins this time. You can create an exercise program. I have zero control over his responses or mental health. (I think its because I grew up with a loving father, who had massive mood swings, but he could be charmed out of them - My sister would cry, my brother would more often than not, be the target, but I was the one who could alwyas talk/joke him down.) Keep an open mind. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. It is our job to be there for them no matter how they feel. Send them a lot of love, set positive intentions for them and speak positively about them when youre not with them. For the most part, you cant control the actions of other adults, though you may have influence. When you try to change someone youre effectively saying that you know what is best for them. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. Misery-Maker 3: Thinking that mistakes, setbacks, and failures doom you for life. Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. health The relationship becomes toxic and we become sick from breathing in the fumes everyday. Hi Marsha, You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. This is not your problem. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. But you can learn to stop any misery you might be inflicting on yourself. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. The above soooo describes me. Many of life's difficulties are out of your control. The books listed below helped me so much with what you are talking about. Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . All these typical situations are within your circle of control, at least partially if not completely. So basically, you do understand and are right on. Every one of us has experienced turning points in our lives. Mom, not so much. I feel this is unhealthy. By studying actual data on happiness, I found out that these are the biggest factors responsible for my happiness: Love Exercising Relaxing Career Friends Family Sleep Hobbies Traveling Health This article will show you exactly why and how I've determined these factors as the biggest influence on my happiness. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. Its shocking how cruel we can be to ourselves. You could try small experiments. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images, pixabay.com, CC0, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. You feel like youre going to have a nervous breakdown when you hear about turbulent world events. Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. Try the powerful Three Good Things exercise, described here. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. A great time to do this is when youre feeling anxious and worried about someones mental state. You can speak up for yourself. Of course, any kind of thought can arise in the mind, especially since youve been riding the same thought-trains for a long time. While not perfect, I've gotten better at recognizing when I'm causing my own suffering, then stopping myself and gently switching my mental gears to thoughts and actions that are more productive. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. 2. But the truth is we cant control everything. When you embrace interdependence, youll be able to live from a place of peace and acceptance. Curious? Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. For example, you can learn to listen instead of interrupting. You can release the need to be responsible for another persons happiness. This question has been closed for answers. When you take responsibility for everyone and everything, wittingly or unwittingly, you can throw yourself into a cycle of anxiety, stress, and sometimes depression as well. Hi! I know one who takes her to appts but doesn't enjoy it. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. If you want someone to understand you, speak up. Assael trains and lectures internationally about therapy, relationships and improvisation. She is not going to change this while this stays true. Read more about escaping negative self-talk here: Heres an additional resource to further help you with your toxic guilt: https://www.just-me-i-am-me-mental-health-forum.com/post/7-ways-to-combat-toxic-self-talk-using-compassion, https://blog.iqmatrix.com/eliminate-guilt. What would I do if she died? The way he reacted to me yesterday must mean that he doesnt really love me, despite what he says. If my boss fires me, Ill never be able to find another job and will end my life in dire poverty.. But as you change yourself and its hard in the beginning. But if you decide to take full responsibility for yourself, you can learn to step back from these patterns and make happier and healthier choices. You dont have to react in a certain way to every expression of emotion from them. APA ReferencePeterson, T. We are our own worse enemies. If not, see #10 below. Overwhelm.it was an accidentlet it go. The painful memory crossed Grandmother's face. Misery-Maker 10: Thinking that you have to do it all yourself. Then ask yourself: Was I really responsible for what happened? Is it really my fault that he didnt ask me out again? Can I really control her drinking? Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior. I asked him how much he really wants to hear her from 1 (not really interested) to 10 (dying to hear her laments). Just let the drama go in one ear and out the other, and look into placing her into a senior apartment building where she'll have NO EXCUSE not to entertain herself. Challenge your thoughts. Can I claim them on my taxes? Hi Aimee, Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. My parents have lived in this small town for over 40 years and she has no friends (doesn't want any), no hobbies, no church or other group affiliation, no family, just me. Listen for real-time coaching, straight talk and big love! How did it feel? If someone wants to change and asks for your help, you can show up and offer support. I feel this is unhealthy. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. 0-3 If you have said 'yes' to less than three you are probably separated enough and do not have too many feelings of guilt or responsibility towards your parents' happiness. How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. Recent research suggests that you can even change aspects of your personality that seem inborn and permanent. Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. on 2023, March 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2016/05/big-cause-of-anxiety-responsibility-for-others-happiness. In this process, while youre allowing them to experience what they need to experience, and trusting that theyre being guided, just give yourself this opportunity to be in prayer for them. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. This is something I see come up all the time with people who are on a path of spiritual and personal growth Ive done it too. Please don't give up! Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. Success is staying with them while they cry. How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Others' Happiness, HealthyPlace. Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. Thats not to say theyre not responsible for their actions or shouldnt be held accountable. Trust in the power of your intentions and your prayer, and know that they are enough. 4-6 If you have said 'yes' to nearly half you are probably in the process of separating but need to go further. She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from my heart to help you search more deeply into your own life, make positive changes, and become all that you truly are. Make her take responsibility for her own health. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. A recent review of over 200 studies indicated that therapy could cause personality changes relatively quickly, even in as little as 4-8 weeks. The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs Taking responsibility for others happiness is a big cause of anxiety (Anxiety Causes: What Causes Anxiety?). Let's connect. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. Shell38314, Awesome advice, and thank you so much! I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. Another ingredient is patience, because the process takes time! I can't handle this on my own. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. Use Life Itself to Dissolve Your Identity, What Eckhart Tolle Gets Wrong About Karma. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. Your unsolicited help is a way of controlling and judging them. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. I had to change. It absolutely is possible to break this cycle later in life. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. Having a vivid imagination is such a wonderful thingexcept when it isnt. I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. 4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing. I don't want to lose this relationship but I'm starting to wish I lived on my own again, where I could just be myself and enjoy my trashy tv and goofy music. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. meditation Some unhappiness and misery is inevitable. There is a lot of suffering in life. 3. by Anonymous (not verified). How much time did it waste away? Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain.